Generosity.

How was i to know all these will come after i made the decision that night. Ive spent almost all my time thinking where we are supposed to be, what should i do with you. Friends told me, they will listen to me. but then our problems never seem to end. Or i should say my misery never end. So all these while i can only tell my friends about you and me. They are getting tired of it i think. No one really knows whats going on. So what everyone told me is useful but it just cant really solve it, because they dont know the whole story.

ok i feel lousy again. Do you think i'd really spent so much time thinking about just anyone? gonna give myself two weeks and end all all these. I want my life back. where i'd so enjoy living. breathing. doing activities with my khakis. going around, enjoying places. food. shopping and reading. dont have much time to buy and waste. and worst i atrophied my status, when im with you, just to impress you. Do i have to scoop this low? or you'd said im willing to go a far extend for you. Aint you happy enough? hate to live under you. Theres a demon in me. When i told my friend this, he said, when you look into the mirror. the demon is actually me. No one can affect my live other than me. im too generous to open up myself and spent all i have on you.

Im rather good at seeing things. and my friends' problem. when mine occurred now, i could see the problem. And im almost finished with it. but then, i dont want to go away from you. i like you, why should i go away? i wanted to do these. but it came with a price. misery. Maybe if you treat me right, i'll have nothing to worry now. I dislike people who live their misery constantly before people. I dont want myself to end up the same way. Im gonna pick up my courage and shove this off my shoulder.

other than him leaving. i feel shes leaving me too. why. is it true when your life is in doldrums, people will just forsake you? I grow up learning that friends never leave you in the lurch. no matter how worst or better you are changing towards. But i seem to lose everything now, when i stopped loving myself and had my focus put on someone, something else. My family, friends and him. That i forgot all about myself. I forgot. Someone dropped me a sms ytd, and said its time. its time that i have to do something for me myself. That just slapped me hard on the head. These days i hear alot that have been strucking. When im pulling someone else, helping them back into their life, i often wondered who will come into mine. Who else will do anything for me? and help me truthfully along the way that much i will do for myself? No, no one :) . only me myself. felt so sad in the night sometimes that im crying myself to sleep. who will be there? to listen and care? no, no one. everyone cares so much about returns. im so afraid to entrust my stories and feelings in my friends even. i need alot to pull me through this period. im getting pessimistic. Its so wrong. so wrong. This is so unlike me. must be a reflection casted from some dirty puddles. i shouldnt be like this. Not this weak.