not feeling too good.

Status.
Riches.
Figures.
Looks.
Studies.
Assets.
Characters.
the goods.
talents.


i own none of these.
sometimes i wonder how can i obtain an edge in this competitive society we're living in. Whats more? A dense populated small country like us. What can i do other than spurring myself to row harder, to work harder. Not doubly, but ten times harder since everyone around me is working doubly harder? I feel like escaping to another faraway **country** where my cousins are, some day. Contemplating to join them there. Because im tired of Singapore and Singaporeans, not my family nor relatives though.

And these days i dont like to disclose too much of myself to anybody. I used to be a free-talker. You can talk about everything under the sun with me, i swear. But these days i just love to keep to myself except the current issues. No point talking too much about myself. The bad sides of my life is going to either require some of your sympathy or made people leave me, then my glories will only make people fawn all over me. Whats the point? When people are judging you with these tangible values they see in you. Too fake.

Since uni started, i prefer keeping myself at home and kill most of my old social activities and leisures. Although most of the time, i think i was still sneaking out for some fun which i cant do without. If you noticed carefully, you cant really catch sight of your ex school mates who were in university too. Seemed like they had disappeared whereas infact they are mugging very hard at home or in school too~ Asked him if i was a loser and he explained that probably it all comes from the stress in school. He advised that life will gets better someday. I do agree and effort plays an important role in my future.

Talking about school. I like some of my lecturers who had similar perspective with me. Me too, had a distaste of the mini unofficial fashion parades of the minority in the school. I dont think by dressing up, you can hide your flaws when you speak. Many would have mistaken that im jealous of the girls who doll up. But guys, dont you hate the guys who dressed up too cool in school too? Or spiked their hair so emo like gulli. Worst, of my gender, some were in beach dress or probably, evening dress for a lecture. Im starting to ponder if school had a dinner and dance everyday. Then sometimes the riches will talk about their showoffs, kind of loud that you can hear them a few tables away in the lectures. They'll mention about cars, parking and kept on harping on how they drove on the road. Their boyfriends and their cars. I knew you have cars, its okay. But after that, can you please dont give the attitude to the rest of the lecture mates that you are born richer? That would have been too pathetic when you need something out of you, not part of you, to make you feel complete. Otherwise it'd been the latest branded bags or clothes. etc. If people is going to get close judging the thing u owned, thats fcuking upsetting. On the controversial side, im fine with this category; some people did own some of the admiring aspects in life. So they have the kind of attitude because they are born with it yet they dont show off it too much. then they dont gain too much respect because people dont know about their goods. When they realise, they start to treasure you... too late? Some people had third eye so the buddha must have given me some third vicous feeling, thats why im seeing more than most people do.

Theres one word that can be used to replaced the whole big chunks up there. Practical? I dont deny im one extremely practical person too. So how? Is it our upbringing or is it the generation? Lately ive been hanging out and meeting more people. Suddenly i find the world being engulfed in the heathen darkness. Recurring events. Weaks being intimidated by the acclaimed-despots~ All over and again. I felt bad for the bullied ones yet i cant do much about it as i was getting absolutely unfeeling too. And no, this isnt something happening to a girl. Man. My parents must have allowed me to watch too much of heroism cartoons and educational programs when i was a child. Thats why so much righteous was coming out of me.

Am i being too cynical? Hope more events of the later days will change my views. Im losing faith in everyone, everything. I also realise, as true as one friend appears. I was not able to tell if he was telling the truth. Most of the time, i was being too objective and was looking at things in a way that i would have done it. Literally, everyone ended being good on my list. But then i realised it wasnt so innocent. I used to think women are terrifying. Now, men too. Trust is an important element to me when you are talking about people who can bond with me. So when i realised men were lying 80% of the time, i lose more faith in man. humans.


Maybe i should look at the bright side. This isnt my year. Thats why im feeling so much unhappiness. I should go to sleep before i get too pessimistic.