Happy Moo Year.

As much as homework are hanging clouds above me. i still chuck them aside and indulge in the all the fun CNY brought to me and my family. If its the past, i dont think i dare to. but once in a while, we need a let out. we need to rebel.

It was a joyous occasion to me the past two days as relatives and friends gathered at my house, and as i went to theirs. It was quite a frantic rush on the 2nd because i do four visiting in all. with them in different location. Talking about frantic rush. it reminds me on the 30th night. when we'll have reunion dinner and, spring cleaning. Spring cleaning was supposed to be finished a few days before cny but i had mine on the 30th night. My room dont exactly need one except things were not in place. Im glad i finally used the spring cleaning time to tidy up my stuffs. as i was bothered with my love, my room got into a mess as well. For now, it was spick and span. i hope my mood was tide now too. At the least.

so during CNY, i met cousins i met guys i met friends. All of them, so ever more man, handsome and gentlemen than he is. Suddenly it made me realised why should i settle for anything less? Hes not that good. Even the ones in my circle, i think mostly, their attitude already won him by a horse head. All of my beloves told me, hes not good enough for me. In love, i didnt care about credentials nor anything. Its the heart. but when his heart is giving way, i think theres no more reason i can find for myself to hold onto. I'll let go, let it go. If not im gonna caught in the net, deeper than ever.

Sometimes when im being reminded of the things he told me, my heart will go aching a little. For instant, hes supposed to come my house to bai nian .. and hes inviting me to his house to do so too. Yet now, i dont know why things become so strained. Last few days before CNY came, alot of things happened between us. Very complicated that i dont know how i should put them in words, when my friends asked me. But amongst them, theres one friend who knew the whole story from years before till to-date. And due to that, i find him rather needy at times. As he has become, quite officially my consultant. My adviser that sometimes i feel lost without his consult. I shouldnt have relied on someone else for my love story. Supposed to go along with my heart. with what i want. but it seemed like all my misery are being, planned. planned by me myself. All along no one affects my decision except me. If i never started it on 01012009 in the sms? Will i be worst off or better off? i really couldnt apprehend myself. Why am i willing to make so much allowance for him. to hurt me. if i wasnt protective enough of myself, i believe, i'll be hurt and never ever get up again. Luckily. luckily my heart didnt fall into the trap yet. Save me please my buddha.

im really quite tired already. lethargic. that i have no mood for cny gambling. no mood for mahjiong. no mood for tasting food (although i ate alot) no mood for school. no mood for my books. no mood for anything else. what do you call this? why i feel more crest-fallen than ever? do u call someone like me? lost in love? i hope im not because i dont exactly think i love him for a second. it seemed like a war. a war that i wanna win. but then, theres no winner in the affairs of the heart. whats love? its intangible. no one can give it a value. it could be an asset or even a liability to some. what is it? one of my closie just admitted that she felt her singlehood freedom is being chained when she step into a relationship with her school mate. how? i wanna fly. i wanna swim, i dont want to be chained. what am i even doing right now?

will i be happier if we never ever met again on that fateful day.